A Portfolio Career: Case Study 'MJ'

the lost hopes and dreams of a freelance (unemployed) musician

Age 2-3: Violinist

After a particularly moving episode of Sesame Street, toddler MJ allegedly approached her mother and said: “I NEED a violin.” She then specified her request as “a tiny violin.” MJ’s mother and father were clearly first-time parents as not only did they indulge this ludicrous request, but went on to enrol their daughter in one of London’s Suzuki studios, despite living hours away. At the time, MJ was unaware of concepts such as vicarious living and parental expectations - so she went along to violin class with the sole objective of pilfering Teddy Grahams from her unsuspecting violin teacher. Despite her unconscious efforts to sabotage violin class (and a thwarted abduction in a London Underground station) MJ showed an affinity for the violin and continued to slog her way through the Suzuki books with absolutely no concern for her father’s ears. MJ’s mother hadn’t realised the enormity of her innocent maternal dreams, nor had she yet discovered that her unborn second child would be even more of an obnoxious git than the first. MJ graduated to ‘big sister’ in 1999 when her brother was born. He arrived blue in the face: singing the State Anthem of the Soviet Union with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Talk about being upstaged.

Age 5: Astronaut/Writer

In spite of her mother’s efforts at a blanket ban on television, MJ was again unduly influenced by kids’ TV when she saw a program about space exploration at school. MJ spent several memorable days entertaining the prospect of a career with NASA before realising it was not in her best interests. This realisation may have been guided by overwhelming patriarchal messages at her private girls’ school: one simply cannot explore space whilst clad in a wool pinafore and Mary Jane shoes.

After significant personal reflection whilst hairdressing for her favourite doll, Suki, MJ decided she would have better luck as an author. Writing had been listed at school as an appropriate career for young ladies and MJ’s first contribution to the literary world was a cultural document: the baptism of the Bananas in Pyjamas. It must be noted that MJ’s school was not only patriarchal but also hideously insistent on Christian values, despite several pupils wearing the hijab. MJ wishes she had spoken up against this injustice at the time, even if she hadn’t yet learnt how to tie her shoelaces.

Age 6: Fairy

One year later, MJ was invited to fairy-themed birthday parties for each girl in her class of twenty. MJ was sadly taken hostage by social anxiety at each event and once had to return home after being informed by other ‘fairies’ that “fairies don’t cry.” MJ is now 29 and would like to state that fairies do indeed cry. She endeavours to raise awareness of emotional volatility and psychological health in magical creatures.

Age 8: Cowboy

In 2003, MJ’s excessively British girls’ school decided to program a musical about cowboys for the annual dramatic production. Unaware of the dangers or embarrassment of cultural appropriation, MJ valiantly auditioned for a lead role, mostly because she liked the lemonade song. MJ was sadly unable to transmit Texan vibes to her small British city, and was ultimately given a lesser role which may or may not have been the back half of a horse.

Age 11: Political Activist

After several years of asking her parents brutally direct questions concerning everything from Mao Zedong to the menstrual cycle, MJ publicly roasted her class teacher with an accusation of antisemitism. As MJ’s parents are self-described ‘woke liberals’ they wrote to all their Jewish friends before challenging the school on its curriculum for WW2, which had (in true British fashion) somehow omitted the Holocaust. Surprising nobody, MJ’s mother took things a step further by letting MJ skip a day of school in order to visit a Holocaust Memorial Museum. The day was a formative one in MJ’s understanding of the world and it increased the profundity of her mother’s poetic parenting philosophy: “the world is very shit and you are very privileged.” MJ now spends more time wallowing in her guilt complex than she does campaigning for world peace.

Age 13: Violinist

After many hours spent fangirling over Hilary Hahn on YouTube, MJ was delighted to accept an offer to one of the UK’s specialist music schools. She was certain that her concert violinist career had been launched but instead quickly learnt that musicians are assholes and the classical music industry is toxic. During her five years at the school, MJ witnessed its unforgettable ‘historic’ sex abuse scandal and the subsequent breakdown of school leadership, whilst simultaneously being groped by her violin teacher. Given that MJ was privy to these events (and more) whilst under the age of 18 she remains incredibly jaded and has burnt through multiple therapists – two of whom cried during sessions.

Age 16: Doctor

In an attempt to prove her worth in an overly intellectual family, teenage MJ developed an obsessive interest in medicine – although ‘obsessive’ refers more to her character than her level of medical knowledge. Her ambitious dreams were dashed when she saw the inside of an NHS gastrointestinal ward and heard stories of “the bearded lady who shat on the floor.” It also didn’t help that she slept through school chemistry exams. MJ is now continually repelled from returning to her clinical aspirations by two permanently exhausted and greyskinned medic friends, and a somewhat gruesome picture of her doctor cousin confidently delivering a baby by C-section in rural Tanzania.

Age 21: Linguist

Following her departure from school MJ attempted to study abroad. She failed spectacularly due to extreme wallflower-like tendencies and a British accent somewhat resembling Margaret Thatcher. On returning to the UK, she enthusiastically began a degree in Linguistics and filled her parents’ house with books she would never read. MJ’s mother would like to note that MJ has still not returned home to “clear out her shit.” Then (as her musical career coincidentally took on an upward trajectory) MJ suffered an ill-timed mental breakdown. After “not understanding grammar” during an English grammar lecture a somewhat dramatic incident occurred and MJ was subsequently hospitalised. Despite its Sylvia Plath-like connotations the incident itself was, in the eyes of MJ, rather pathetic. It is one of many darkly funny and self-deprecating instances of mental ill health that MJ reserves for particular company, not including her mother.

Age 23: Orchestral Musician

In 2018, MJ moved to Denmark: a return to not only her substandard attempts at independence but also her heritage – she was thrilled to be moving to her grandfather’s hometown. This new chapter was immediately hit by turbulence. After meeting her kooky new colleagues, the orchestra offered MJ a room to rent with a deranged, semi-naked older lady who attempted to sexually assault her. MJ spent the night before her first day at work chatting with hunky Danish police officers after fleeing from the scene of the crime armed with a pair of children’s scissors.

Now, age 29:

MJ continues her work as a musician in Scandinavia, where she has not yet been sexually assaulted but has seen the inside of two psychiatric wards. Despite approaching the age of 30 her career is still largely undefined. She spends her time teaching, performing, pretending to study and bitching to the entities of WhatsApp. She is proud to have “unvarnished gallows humour” written on her medical record, courtesy of a humourless and exasperated psychologist. One day, MJ would like to drive a submarine.

Addendum:

MJ would like to note that her brother has three degrees in mathematics and astrophysics, but is thoroughly incapable of ironing a shirt.